mommy blog?

Peanut is what I lovingly call my almost one-year-old daughter. It was the first nick name she got when I first saw her – she was just a little peanut in my womb. And this blog is in many ways related to her or the recovery of having her, but sometimes I don’t talk about being a mom at all – So this led me to ask, is this a mommy blog?

I don’t think so…?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but “mommy blogs” are typically based on the child… no? Like, what to feed your kids, how to make organic baby food, poopy diaper face masks, the best way to make a placenta smoothie, etc. Right? And I’m not down with that sort of thing. Don’t get me wrong, Peanut is very well taken care of, but who am I to tell you how to do the mommy thing? And I don’t want to share my mommy style so that all them mommy-shamers can come after me because Peanut is eats Gerber food, plays with the dogs, kills spiders, etc. After a lot of thought I realized this blog isn’t about Peanut, it’s for Peanut. Which is why I renamed it, The Peanut Library. This is a collection of thoughts, stories, and pictures from the beginning of her life, about the world around her. A library for her to read through; and that I’m sharing with you as well, Reader.

While I was thinking about what this blog is to me, to you, for Peanut, I also came to another realization: this would be a mommy blog but part of me is worried about what that would mean.

Let me explain: I have a lot of friends without kids. Not because they cannot have children, but because they chose not to. I, on the other hand, always wanted to have kids and was never able to. As you already know, Peanut was my very last and final attempt. Right when I was ready to give up, the universe blessed me with this tiny human that made my heart grow three sizes bigger – like the Grinch. But what about my friends who don’t want or like children?

Truth be told, I was ready to give them all up, but they proved to be surprisingly supportive. Still, I find myself riddled with guilt when I feel like I have talked about Peanut too much or shared too many pictures. Then I realized in writing my previous blog post that I’m more comfortable writing about my medical conditions than I am about my own child!

Side note: Now, I am a huge advocate for healthcare and mental health because I truly believe that too many people are not receiving the proper amount. I am not ashamed to share about medical issues, and in my brutal honesty I hope to inspire you to be honest about yourself – even if it’s just with your doctor. Ain’t no shame to being proactive about your health! But if I can be so open about my own health, then I think I can be a little more open and proud to be a single mom who loves her baby more than anything in the universe.

Peanut’s playground: I’ve decided to give a regular update on Peanut in every post – even the ones that are not about her at all – so that y’all know how she’s doing. So this section will be called Peanut’s playground.

If you’re keeping track, Peanut will turn 11 months old on the 4th of July and I can’t believe it’s been 11 months already! She’s got a lion mane of curly hair and seven teeth! She is still sweet and devious (she takes after her mom that way) and thankfully she is also still sleeping through the entire night. About a month ago she began really getting into playing with her fur baby brothers but they are not fans of her – we are still working on how to properly pet the dogs without pulling on their tails or ears.

SM… not to be confused with S&M…

I know I haven’t been blogging lately. Been leaving y’all hanging. If there is even a y’all out there that follow my blog… and please know my silence is not complicity. I am aware it is not the time to be silent (as I made it clear in my last post), but let me explain…

When I was a lot younger I suffered from situational mutism (also known as selective mutism), which still rears its ugly head on the rare occasion. Truth be told, I thought it was completely gone until I started going to therapy again and my new therapist clocked it in real time. It just so happened that we hit a time and topic (postpartum struggles) that made me completely shut down. I froze like a computer that needed to be rebooted. Because, of course, along with my selective mutism, I suffer from petit mal seizures; very mild short seizures that present in a very silent absence of mental presence; They are colloquially called “silent seizures.” And the two conditions often partner up in my case. Truthfully, I was born with anxiety and seizures – I know this because of the stories I have heard from various family members: no one wanted to babysit me in case I had one of the “scary episodes.” Thankfully, they are very under control thanks to my brilliant and wonderful doctor. But this is why I have an affinity for text and email correspondence. Written is far more manageable than verbal Communication.

This is all to say that, I haven’t said much because I haven’t had much to say. There are so many people talking at each other. Talking at me. Not interested in listening, just talking. Screaming really. And it is hard to see through the fog or hear through the static. In my head it becomes this tornado of tensions and cringeworthy noise that gives me a headache and leaves me speechless. Literally.

And I suppose I could come here and unload my emotions in a flurry of verbal diarrhea, but as I have said in previous posts, I do not want to invite you to my blog to endure the negativity that the world is already drowning us in. I want you to come to my blog and maybe learn something. Maybe laugh at something. Maybe smile at something. Just escape for a few minutes… so the rest of this post will be me taking you on my escape…

BLM

I don’t want my silence to be mistaken for complicity. It is not. As a POC (mixed heritage Mexican), these movements are near and dear to my heart.

If you follow me on twitter or Instagram you will know my stance is clear: THINGS MUST CHANGE.

We live in a country built on racism. That is simply a fact of the past. Part of the history. But it DOES NOT have to define who we are, what we will become, and how we pave the future. As a parent to a very culturally and ethnically mixed little girl (her paternal side Israelite descent), it is important to me that she not only embrace her culture, but not fear those around her because of doing so.

As a former EMT, the death of Breonna Taylor hit me hard. EMS staff work side by side with armed officers, with one big difference: we are unarmed. Yet still on the same dangerous scene with other first responders, risking safety to save others. This is who Breonna was in her day to day life, and the same men she served next to – the same people she has likely helped or even saved – are the ones that took her life. There is no excuse for this.

With that being said, please remember: there is still a pandemic with an extremely dangerous virus which can be fatal. For those of you who are brave and strong enough to protest IRL, please please wear masks and be as safe as possible to reduce likelihood of contracting covid19. We need you out there fighting the good fight – which will not be possible if covid takes you down.