choose to see the beauty.

I’m not a stupid person. I’m not naive. I know the state of things. I know the ugliest parts and I’ve been to hell and back. The world is in disarray and there is so much ugliness. And fucking covid… But still…. I choose to see the beauty in the world.

I know, I KNOW, this probably sounds like the rantings of a delusional single parent. And maybe that’s what I am — Someone desperately grasping at the idea that there’s hope — that things will get better. Maybe that’s just what I need to tell myself for the sake of raising Peanut.

Hope is an interesting concept. When I was younger and people would use the word hope, I would always respond with, “hope is the root of heartache.” From an early age I had hoped for too many things — Simple little things I saw the rest of the world take for granted. And with each hope came the inevitable heartbreak. And with each heartbreak you would think there would be inevitable hate in my heart. But with each heartbreak, I held on tighter to hope.

There is this great song by BT called “the only constant is change,” where he says, “Still a hopelessly hopeful wounded child seeking wonderful.” It was like he was describing me (and a lot of others, I’m sure). Humor me and listen to it, Reader. It’s one of the few songs I can feel.

I have no idea what the future holds. Good, bad, ugly. But… I choose to see the beauty.

Peanut’s Playground: Peanut is a whole one year old in just a matter of days! And I have the most amazing friends in the world who even in covid days are sending gifts and love to Peanut! Thank you <3

What a wild beautiful scary crazy adventure this has been so far and it’s only been one year. And as I was saying earlier, yes I know the world is ugly and scary right now… but look at this amazing beautiful tiny human I made! You cannot expect me to look at her and not help but hope and love and be happy.

What I’m watching: Trolls World Tour!! Yup. Every single day. Peanut is OBSESSED. But you know what, reader? It’s hella entertaining so I’m not even mad at it. I will take cheesy Anna Kendrick mashups sung by glittery trolls any day over the crappy alternatives such as baby shark lol.

Tech specs: HBO Max and Roku have failed to come to an agreement, so all those people that signed up for HBO Max but only use Rokus and didn’t realize it — are shit out of luck. HBO has also failed to come to an agreement with the Amazon Firestick.

Come on HBO, if you are going to launch a proprietary streaming service that requires some sort of platform for functioning, maybe make all the proper agreements to maximize positive results before launching. Just saying.

persistent pyrotechnics prove problematic to the peace at the Peanut palace…

Unpopular opinion: fireworks should not be made available to the general public.

In other words: fuck your foolish fireworks for Fourth of July. You know what is worse than one upset pet on the 4th during fireworks? THREE upset dogs the week before, day of, and week after the holiday because every asshat with a pyro side decided they need to set off fireworks to release their covid stress. Worse of all, people were angry that during a pandemic they could not come together in large crowds to watch big fireworks shows, so they decided to start fires with illegal fireworks in residential areas. Needless to say, there is no part of me that feels sorry for those acting out like petulant children throwing temper tantrums because of a pandemic – and I secretly hoped they got injured by their stupid choices (nothing big, just a burnt thumb, broken finger, brunt off eyebrows, etc.).

public service announcement break:

So, all this to say, I spent two weeks with dogs hiding in various corners of the house. Which means two weeks of very little and very interrupted sleep; dealing with doggy barking, seizures, scared pee/poop, etc. Thankfully, Peanut was completely unbothered by it all and slept all night every night (Bless this tiny human for that contribution to my stressful sleepless situation).

Peanut’s playground: and we have liftoff!!! Peanut has begun walking on her own. We are currently in the tiny drunken five steps at a time followed by a booty fall – but it’s progressing. Before we know it, she will be running circles around me… Her current obsession is the Trolls World Tour movie. As lame as it sounds, it’s actually a pretty good movie. Good enough that I’m not dying over the fact that she wants to see it two times a day. Any time you include voices like Mary J. Blige and Kelly Clarkson, I’m here for it. Truth be told, I cannot wait for Peanut to be able to do the dance move from the movie with me!