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a letter to my daughter on our first mother’s day.

Dear Peanut,

Where to begin? I guess… in the beginning… When I was a little girl, all the other little girls wanted to play barbie and ken dolls together. I never did. On the rare occasion that I played the game of the domestic life, all I wanted was babies and puppies. I never knew what I wanted to be, or even who I wanted to be, I just knew one thing for sure – I knew I wanted you.

I’m not going to lie to you – Life has been more cruel than kind. And love… Love has always been a four-letter-word in my life. It has more often than not been used as a weapon. To tell me what I don’t have. To tell me what I am not worthy of. To tell me what I will never have. Love always seemed like a secret language that everyone around me knew how to speak, but I was not worthy of learning.

Even so, I set out to find love. I thought the love of my life would some how show up in the form of a significant other. With each new relationship I filled my heart with hope; and was crushed with each heart break. I began to believe I could never find love. I began to believe I would never be able to have a family; to have you.

After a lot of self-reflection, a lot of soul searching, I set out to make you. I was determined; working harder than ever to figure out what I needed to do. I spent half a decade trying to make you. Trial and error, pain and persistence, blood sweat and tears, resistance and resignation, hope and heartache. Everything in me was tested; my mind, my heart, my body, my soul. And it took every part of me to get to you.

And yes, life has been more cruel than kind… but somewhere in between are these extraordinarily amazing moments that somehow make all the cruel things disappear. And having you has already given me more of these extraordinary moments than I’ve ever had in my entire life. Having you has made me forget so many of the cruel and hurtful moments that I hung onto so deep in my heart for so long. Having you has made me a better person.

I don’t think I am special. I don’t think I deserve or am better than anyone else. I’m not the smartest or strongest. I have been a hero, but I have sure as hell also been a villain. I don’t pretend to know everything. And I don’t know what challenges lie ahead of us. Truth be told, I don’t know that I’m going to be good at this.

But what I do know is You are the best parts of me. And from the very first moment I saw you, I knew it was all worth it. I knew you were worth it. The very first time I held you in my arms, I knew you were the one I had been waiting for my whole life. And the very first thing I said to you was, “what took you so long to get here?” And, “I love you more than I even knew was possible.”

So today on our first mother’s day together I am writing you this letter to tell you that I promise you I will always try my best. I promise you I will always love you. I will always be someone who will be there for you; who will try to catch you when you fall; and help you get back up. I will laugh with you, celebrate with you, and cry with you. I will always fight for you. I mean, after all I have been fighting for you long before you were even born. You are special, you are a miracle, and you are wanted – you have been wanted for decades before you were ever a little peanut in my belly.

I never understood people and their grandiose life dreams. Because I didn’t have the same ones I heard people proclaim. Some people dreamed of a husband or wife, of a farm, or of being a doctor; I dreamed of you. You are my dream – my dream come true. So thank you for giving me the best mother’s day gift I could ever ask for – the gift of being your mom.

I love you with all of my heart and soul,

Your Mother.