an apology.

I would like to apologize. Please forgive my constant positivity — and I say this in all sincerity. I know it maybe off-putting, annoying, and or confusing given the state of the world. Things are bad. Pandemics, politics, persistent fires. I know some of you are seriously depressed, anxious, overwhelmed… but here’s the thing… that had been my entire existence. I spent years upon years depressed; Not caring if I lived or died. I spent most days going down the dark rabbit hole of self-hatred. Truth be told, up until I had Peanut, I didn’t even think I was meant for anything good. I had so many failed relationships, friendships, family ties. I didn’t start off wanting to be a single parent. I wanted the partner, the place to call home, the puppy, and then the parenthood. I searched and searched and love never worked out for me; so I refocused my dream to something I thought I was sure to achieve but I tried and tried and could not get pregnant. Then, as you know, Peanut arrived and everything changed. I changed. So I’m sorry if I can’t always be part of the conversation of complaining and depression and negativity of the current times. It’s not that I don’t understand you, I just can’t join you. And I’m so sorry for failing you on this. I know what it’s like to be in the dark place. But I need to believe things will get better because I finally found happiness after all these years and the idea of losing it is too painful to even think about. The idea of being angry or sad and having that negativity affect Peanut in any way motivates me to search for and maintain the positivity. I finally found a reason to want to be alive, and the world falling apart around me is muted every time this tiny human runs up and hugs me or gives me that silly little smile when she’s being a troublemaker. It’s ironic that when people feel like they are dying, I finally feel like I am living.

Find that thing that makes you feel like you are living and loving. And then live and love.

what I’m watching: 90 Day Fiancé The Other Way. It is trash reality tv but hilarious and distracting! Plus, if you want to feel better about your life choices you need to check out some of these people.

tech specs: the release of iPhone 12 — to no ones surprise — has been pushed back. So stay tuned…

pup pics: Charles likes to sneak into the garage when I’m about to run errands and jumps in for the ride!