Ghosts, Germs, and Grey skies…
A ghost is now more than an apparition of people from lives past. A ghost in the 21st century is a way to describe someone who disappears on you; they have “ghosted” you. Ghosting has become a social norm with the advent of tech and text messages typically used as the most common means of communication. Honestly, I usually do not care if someone ghosts me. That may sound callous but when it comes to those close to me, I create close connections or cannot carry on. But I have ghosted people, and people have ghosted me.
There is only one person in my life who truly broke my heart when they ghosted me; a friend who was like a brother to me. I wish I could say that I forgot all about it and let it go, but when I invest in a person I do so with my whole heart. And with this friend of mine, I still am hurt, so angry, and sad.
As luck would have it, I saw him while shopping for Christmas decorations. The most sentimental time of the year for many, the holidays, is when I see him; after not seeing him all year. And it seems silly except I used to spend every Thanksgiving and every Christmas Eve with him, so for years he was my family for the holidays.
Of course, I saw him 4 or 5 times throughout the store because that’s how the universe works. And of course, I survived. Duh. But Reader, let me tell you… it still hurt. My heart raced and my anxiety went through the roof. I didn’t want to see him or talk to him because he is the one that left our friendship. He did. I was the injured party. And I didn’t want him to see how much it would upset me to see him. At one point we were about 5 feet from each other at the check out stands, but he didnt even look in my direction. Do you have someone like this in your life? Or I guess, no longer in your life?
So here’s the thing, I’m a bit of a germaphobe. Not all germs; I have three dogs and a baby so I deal with cooties all day. But grime. Grime has this effect on me where I can’t see it, or touch it, or even think about it. I have a complete physiological reaction to it – I cringe, get tension in my hands, knot in my throat, and slight gag/dry heaves. I wish I could explain it. It makes me feel so awful that I tend to bleach everything and still feel like nothing is clean enough. Why am I disclosing this? It has slowly been increasing in severity and I’m tired of being embarrassed about it, so I’ve decided to do something about it.
I have started talking to my therapist about my germaphobia. I’ve had it my whole life, but it was under control for many many years until my hostile work environment went from bad to worse, and after I had a baby I want to protect from all the cooties in the world. Is it a control thing? Trying to control my environment and focus on what I can control? Maybe. But, Reader, I in no way feel under control” when cleaning [sigh]. My hope is that in therapy I will learn tips and tricks on how to overpower this phobia and put it back in check.
On a brighter note – the weather has been gloomy grey skies with random rains and fabulous fog. It is indeed the most wonderful time of the year! Fall and Winter weather in California is like a watered down version of any extreme weather elsewhere. Reader, it is always tshirt weather in California (except for some of my chicken friends who get cold easily lol). It’s been so lovely that even in the worst of days I am happy to look up at the sky and enjoy the weather. Just this week I have gotten to enjoy the crisp feeling of being outside first thing in the morning in 40 degree weather, the rain, fog, and rainbows!
What I am watching: Murder for Hire and 90 Day Fiance are my not so secret trash tv indulgences. Murder for Hire is a program on Oxygen that tells stories of real-life people who are hired to murder someone and turn the information in to the police. It’s an entire story in just one hour, from the plot, to a sting operation, to the take down. Best of all, at the end of the day, a life is saved and the people who put a stop to the scheme are real-life heroes.
Now, 90 Day Fiance is a shit show that cannot be described in a short paragraph. It is about people who come to the United States on 90 day fiance visas and the journey of those 90 days with their partners. Sometimes it is true love, sometimes it is true lust, sometimes it is a green card scam. Essentially, it is international dating russian roulette, aka trash tv GOLD!
Tech Specs: I still can’t get over the loss of my Plantronics Voyager Legend 5220 bluetooth ear piece. Yes, I have other bluetooths, but this one is the holy grail of ear pieces. There is a reason why it has stood the test of time within the tech community for YEARS (which is UNHEARD OF in regards to tech). It is comfortable, long lasting, and the sound is crystal clear HD – it’s like the caller is sitting right next to you! Unfortunately, along with the test of time in tech terms, this little bluetooth has also lasted the test of time in pricing and will run you a cool $80-120. BUT it is worth it if you can swing it (and I just replaced my lost one for a lucky eBay auction at $65).
Random thoughts: In general, I want to give people the benefit of the doubt (though dont mistake my kindness for weakness – I will crush someone who does me wrong without giving it a second thought)… BUT I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, and I just wish I could understand the people who choose to take the path of most resistance. Those people who have something negative to say about other’s success. Who claim to be your friend but then feel the need to criticize everything you do. Seems like we all have one of those. Or sometimes, we just have one of those around that for one reason or another we can’t get rid of.
Be kind to people. I’m speaking to YOU, the negative nellys of the world! Life can be beautiful or life can be ugly, it’s up to you which path you choose.