I have been dreaming about you…
… All of you. I’ve been having vivid dreams that seem so real; I can smell everything, feel the textures… Its an immersive experience.
I get lost in the reverie.
I dream of going to Target with Bradden, randomly clothes shopping with Kelley, getting a Diet Coke with Ryan… I dream that my grandpa is alive and lucid, that Barbara is visiting Wesley and playing with Peanut, that Lori is alive and living here in the house she never got to see… and so many more. All of you. I see you in my dreams.
They are beautiful vivid dreams filled with laughter and joy and colors. All the colors are bright and exciting! Everyone is happy and full of love — especially being together. I love my dreams. And when I wake up, I replay them in my head over and over. I don’t want to forget a single detail — but the details always fade, and the dreams get lost.
It is the most bizarre and beautiful grief. It is my brain coping with missing you.
And don’t get my wrong, when I wake up, I wake up to the most wonderful existence of baby bliss in a bubble. I spend my days with this bright light; this tiny human blessing. And I am grateful for every single second with her. Even the poopy diapers and the temper tantrums… but it’s not lost on me that my dreams, my life in the reverie, is my brain helping my heart’s grief.
Peanut is so energetic! She is clever and funny and a brat. On brand, too smart for her own good. She is definitely my child. To be honest, it scares the crap out of me…
When she was a teeny tiny Peanut it felt easy. I could protect this little potato that only crawled so far and reached so high. She was easy to contain in an area where I could protect her from everything.
The bigger she gets the more terrifying the world seems. My anxiety takes over me and I worry about every single little thing that can harm her. I worry so much that I start to feel like the worry wraps itself around my throat, choking the life out of me. I know I need to figure out a way to control this… I just haven’t found a way how to do it…
What I’m watching is baaaccckkk….
Why Women Kill on CBS All Access is the Lucy Liu version of Desperate Housewives but with a delicious twists, and time jumps with all the glorious aesthetic that comes with them. Plus, did I mention Lucy Liu? It’s a quirky must-see for silly dramedy entertainment.
Your Honor on Showtime is a different ball game all together. This is a serious drama that leaves you on the edge of your seat after every single episode. Just when you think the storyline has become predictable, a twist sucks you back in. And it begins and ends in a way that gives you a sense of completion and beautiful poetic justice. Definitely worth the time and investment. I may even watch it again!
Prof. Walter sends his love xoxo