perspective. patience. purpose.

People who suffers from PTSD are prone to problematic patterns when placed in positions of perilous predicaments such as a pandemic. My method of survival is perspective, patience, and purpose.

When you suffer from any sort of mental health condition (and even when you don’t!) you have to be hyper vigilant and self aware when faced with high stress situations so that you can find ways to self-soothe. It is easy to go down the rabbit hole of anxiety, paranoia, and depression; So you need to do something to regain perspective and maintain your sanity. Spending time at home should not be looked at like a punishment. Your home should be your safe space, and you should be your own best friend. Learn to be alone with yourself – Silence and solitude can be comforting; even enjoyable. It’s all about perspective.

Many of the people I’ve talked to seem to be struggling a great deal with quarantine. I make a conscious choice every day to look at the situation positively. I stop and think about what I can do to make each day enjoyable. I plan my day and my time with Peanut. I make up projects for us – The organization factor makes it feel more like an event and less like just being at home. I choose to take this time to make memories instead of misery. And I don’t spend money to do things; I don’t have money to waste. We have dance parties in the living room with twinkling white lights from Christmas; we have movie nights; we FaceTime with friends. Today we laid on a blanket under the fan on high and pretended it’s a beach day with Coldplay playing on the boom box. Little simple plans.

It’s easy to fall into feelings of despair. Life is chaotic and stressful on its own, so when you add a pandemic, it magnifies the intensity of any negative feelings. It’s hard to see beyond the fog of the current terrible situation, and sometimes we need to be reminded to keep going. One of my favorite quotes is from a limited series (highly underrated), called Political Animals:

So that’s what I do, Reader. I keep going. And I want you to keep going. And I know it requires patience – which some of us lack. But I’m hopelessly hopeful (as is tattooed on my arm).

A great way to keep perspective is to have purpose. My purpose is Peanut.

What is your purpose? What keeps you going? You don’t need to have a tiny human. Maybe it’s your fur babies, or your goals to change the world, your bff, your mom, your goal to someday play Carnegie hall… Nothing is too great or too small.

Five little things I’m grateful for today: 1) that when I fell I only sprained my wrist and elbow and didn’t break anything; 2) Peanut is being super chill while I write this; 3) that it’s been hardcore raining (I LOVE the rain!!); 4) homemade chocolate chip cookies a friend dropped off; 5) Coldplay – Peanut and I are relaxing to some mellow Coldplay songs.

What to watch: Political Animals starring Sigourney Weaver. It was a limited time series but really fucking amazing. Although I am bias because I am a huge fan of hers but it is very smart and well written.

Pup pics: rainy days laziness and snuggles

words that start with the letter F…

Fears of failure frequently feel like foreshadowing of fucking up my family and fur babies.

I have a confession, I still have a hard time calling Peanut my daughter and I feel weird when people call me a mother. Often, this entire thing feels like the sweetest dream that I will wake up from at any moment. When I’m away from her, I have brief moments of doubt; is she real? Is this really my life right now? I was so used to disappointment and heartbreak that I don’t know what to do with this immense happiness sometimes. Professionally, I’ve been harassed and defeated; and had dreams of an alternative profession crushed by people I should have been able to trust as mentors. Romantically, I have been disheartened and defeated. So I never expected I would get what I’ve always wanted: a family of fur babies and fun little tiny human. There’s this cute Peanut human baby who loves me and is my family! How did I get so lucky? It overwhelms me with joy, but it also overwhelms me with fear of failing her and losing my little family.


The next F word on my mind is friends; what that means and looks like. Friending as an adult is hard. Being an adult is lonely when you don’t have a partner or even a best friend who is your person, but all your friends do. Don’t get me wrong, I am insanely lucky to have a good group of awesome friends, BUT they all have their person; their ride or die. And I’m pretty sure it’s not me. I don’t think anyone considers me their best fiend; their person. Many times I thought I had found my person but I was soul crushingly wrong… But I still hope…


For fucks sake freaking shake it off!! That’s right, I am yelling at myself in my own blog. Told you this would be a wild/weird ride… So other much happier things to report: Peanut is amazing! She’s rambling a ton and squirming around like the little sixth month old that she is. Her personality grows with each day and it’s so cool to get to watch. She is also beginning to build an adorable bond with Charles. My little man Charles, the terrier mix, is turning into a great big brother. He watches Peanut closely and protects her; cuddling with her feet and sleeping with her during naps time.


What I’m watching: in case you didn’t get the clue above, Grey’s Anatomy. We are now in the 16th season and it’s been a bumpy ride. I have seen all of the seasons and up to the current episodes and have stuck by the good, the bad, and the ugly… I screamed at the tv when Izzy recovered from stage 4 brain cancer (since it happened after my Lori had died of stage 4 cancer)… I briefly lost faith in love when they killed off Derek… but I remain a loyal watcher. Even when it is bad, I have gotten to the point of this parasocial relationship where I can’t abandon Meredith (Ellen Pompeo). Don’t judge me. Lol.


Tech specs: I’m getting back into the swing of things with house projects. There’s much to be done with my back yard, front yard and office. One thing I have always been terrible at is using the damn tape measure on long distances by myself – enter the Stanley 30 Pocket Laser Distance Measure. This thing is AMAZING. Extremely tiny, pocket sized, usb rechargeable, laser measure. I have been using this little guy all month and it makes taking measurements a breeze – such a time saver!


Random thoughts: I try not to be political or super religious on this blog because I want everyone to feel welcomed and included in my journey. I want you in my life even if we don’t agree on everything – it’s important to be friends with and try to understand people who’s truths are different than mine. But with that being said, I will share my personal sentiment on the current democratic race for the primaries – simply for pragmatic reasons, there are some front runners that are a bad choice. It’s just the simple truth that die hard fans of those people refuse to see. [Sigh]. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.


Doggy pic of the week: Professor Walter looking extremely handsome while helping me measure and clean the back yard.